Name Change

Here we have Dallas Seavey, the youngest Iditarod winner ever who beat some chick by an hour. That's fine and all but I have a serious problem with Alaskans named after cities in Texas. This is demeaning to the children of our state and I fear many of them are in fact anchor babies brought here by oil workers who have no real intention of doing right for Alaska. I'm talking to you Austin and El Paso Jr. Go to the courthouse and alter that to John or Fred. Or lose your PFD.  

Doonesbury, Doctors, and Dildos

My M.I.A. partner-in-slime Ishmael was always big on putting out....Doonesbury on the day the local paper didn't on his previous blog. In an effort to get him out of hiding before spring I'm baiting him with the comic strip. Seems some places have taken this out week as Gary gets on the Texas abortion issue. From what little I can put together, when you wanna get rid of Jr. with extreme prejudice before he pops out and drains $400,000 from you over the next 18 years in the Lone Star Police State a chick has to have a sonogram. Now if you do this in the first trimester (my school was on semesters so I screw this up all the time) doctors have to stick a probe up Barbara's bush to see what the fetat (fetus + brat) looks like. I'm guessing small. 

Is this the idea of middle age white mudderphutters? Hell, yeah. In fact Rush hinted on where this is going, giving away one of malekinds unspoken thangs. We like sticking things in there that aren't necessarily us. And we want it on video. Beer bottles, twatcams, Ken dolls, organic Mat-Su jumbo asparagus, a four D-cell Maglites, anything. The Texas legislature would have added a colon exam AT THE SAME time but then it would give away what we men are really up to. 

Please send all Texas first trimester sonogram videos to linked email address. Please.

Orpheum Update: The Woman In Black

I don't like horror movies but for reasons beyond my control I was dragged into Rusty's Funhouse to see this flick The Woman In Black. Being that it is rated PG-13 I figured it must be pretty weak by slasher standards. No bed wetting for El Sandinista! Come on over, ladies! 

The main character is played by Daniel Radcliffe who if he was in Jackass would be Danny Radcliff. But let's face it. Dude is Harry Potter. I said this to myself for the first half hour of the movie. That's Harry Potter. That's Harry Potter. That's Harry Potter.  He plays a lawyer in f-wording England about 100 years ago who ends up going to a haunted house on Frye Point. Ghosts, blah blah blah, things jumping out, etc. Whateva. Nothing special. 

I was in the balcony for this one and like half the time I go the noisiest f-tards go up there. You'd think if you pay more the riff raff would stay downstairs but it seems to have the wide receiver diva effect on teens who make it up the stairs. The chick in front of me is lucky I don't carry piano wire in my pocket. And that she smelled good. The individual next to me had some kind of nervous leg spasm thing going on shaking the whole row. I literally thought we were having a tremor for a few minutes and kept spying the emergency exits. Probably didn't help I had a dream about a tsunami the night before. I'm sure a good elbow would have brought the Richter scale back down to zero. I think Rusty should take out all the seats up there except two and rent out the balcony to the 1%ers for $99.75. That way you can watch the movie with your date undisturbed. In fact, put a bed up there, too.

Hard Tack is Wacked

It sounds like they've poisoned a staple of every village in Alaska and every boat in the harbor after reading this bit in the Anchorage Daily Mirror. Sailor Boy Pilot Bread now comes with tertiary butylhydroquinone, a form of butane, as a preservative. You can leave a box of those f-wording things on board for three years and they don't need preservatives. They start fossilized. And if you can smash them to crumbs they make excellent salmon patties FYI. 

I also learned from this story is that Kraft now owns the company which as I recall was having financial problems not to far back and they cracker was an endangered species. That's when they started introducing TBHQ in an effort to eradicate Alaskans.

The Ratio

I don't remember where I saw this but it basically maps out where the sausage/ punani is across 'Merica. The blue balls are where the dudes are and the red spots are where the ladies are dominating. I was wondering if you blew Alaska up to its proper size on the map would the dot increase with it? It should.

My penis says after this year on the Rock I should consider Memphis or New Orleans, maybe even Hotlanta. No wonder the west coast has never been good to me. But what is going on in Redding, California?

Check out Florida. Hey, guys. They are all in Miami. What are you thinking? 

And NYC. What am I thinking?

I can't tell you what I'm thinking.

KRXX Hot 101

Bitter rival KMXT asked this week what people thought of the new format over at KRXX who finally took that snarky arse Jack and buried him in Ellen's back yard. As a product of the 80's I figured my era's domination was over and I was going to have to actually pull my cassettes out of storage but no no no. The new HOT 101 kept some of the cobwebs and dropped the 70's. F-word, yeah! Suck it, classic rock hippies. 

With a week of the new format under my belt I can tell you I now chew two pieces of gum at once and say "like" every third word. I'm not exactly on Rick Deez nuts, either. Not sure what to think but I can say I finally heard the whole Kelly Clarkson song from that Toyota ad with Boomer.

And we now know a Camry can haul as much gross tonnage as a Chevy 3500. Don't kill me for that.

But the real question is what is going on on 104.9? Is there a market for college alternative rock in BF Egypt/The Peninsula? Or here? Maybe I'm just old or stuck in 1985 but I don't get it from a marketing stance. 14,000 country and Jesus stations make more sense to me than around here than an entire station of bands I've never heard of. That's what KMXT is for.

Maybe next KVOK will become a sports talk radio station. I know some guys who could do that.