Thursday, March 15, 2012

Name Change

Here we have Dallas Seavey, the youngest Iditarod winner ever who beat some chick by an hour. That's fine and all but I have a serious problem with Alaskans named after cities in Texas. This is demeaning to the children of our state and I fear many of them are in fact anchor babies brought here by oil workers who have no real intention of doing right for Alaska. I'm talking to you Austin and El Paso Jr. Go to the courthouse and alter that to John or Fred. Or lose your PFD.  

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Doonesbury, Doctors, and Dildos

My M.I.A. partner-in-slime Ishmael was always big on putting out....Doonesbury on the day the local paper didn't on his previous blog. In an effort to get him out of hiding before spring I'm baiting him with the comic strip. Seems some places have taken this out week as Gary gets on the Texas abortion issue. From what little I can put together, when you wanna get rid of Jr. with extreme prejudice before he pops out and drains $400,000 from you over the next 18 years in the Lone Star Police State a chick has to have a sonogram. Now if you do this in the first trimester (my school was on semesters so I screw this up all the time) doctors have to stick a probe up Barbara's bush to see what the fetat (fetus + brat) looks like. I'm guessing small. 

Is this the idea of middle age white mudderphutters? Hell, yeah. In fact Rush hinted on where this is going, giving away one of malekinds unspoken thangs. We like sticking things in there that aren't necessarily us. And we want it on video. Beer bottles, twatcams, Ken dolls, organic Mat-Su jumbo asparagus, a four D-cell Maglites, anything. The Texas legislature would have added a colon exam AT THE SAME time but then it would give away what we men are really up to. 

Please send all Texas first trimester sonogram videos to linked email address. Please.

Orpheum Update: The Woman In Black

I don't like horror movies but for reasons beyond my control I was dragged into Rusty's Funhouse to see this flick The Woman In Black. Being that it is rated PG-13 I figured it must be pretty weak by slasher standards. No bed wetting for El Sandinista! Come on over, ladies! 

The main character is played by Daniel Radcliffe who if he was in Jackass would be Danny Radcliff. But let's face it. Dude is Harry Potter. I said this to myself for the first half hour of the movie. That's Harry Potter. That's Harry Potter. That's Harry Potter.  He plays a lawyer in f-wording England about 100 years ago who ends up going to a haunted house on Frye Point. Ghosts, blah blah blah, things jumping out, etc. Whateva. Nothing special. 

I was in the balcony for this one and like half the time I go the noisiest f-tards go up there. You'd think if you pay more the riff raff would stay downstairs but it seems to have the wide receiver diva effect on teens who make it up the stairs. The chick in front of me is lucky I don't carry piano wire in my pocket. And that she smelled good. The individual next to me had some kind of nervous leg spasm thing going on shaking the whole row. I literally thought we were having a tremor for a few minutes and kept spying the emergency exits. Probably didn't help I had a dream about a tsunami the night before. I'm sure a good elbow would have brought the Richter scale back down to zero. I think Rusty should take out all the seats up there except two and rent out the balcony to the 1%ers for $99.75. That way you can watch the movie with your date undisturbed. In fact, put a bed up there, too.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Hard Tack is Wacked

It sounds like they've poisoned a staple of every village in Alaska and every boat in the harbor after reading this bit in the Anchorage Daily Mirror. Sailor Boy Pilot Bread now comes with tertiary butylhydroquinone, a form of butane, as a preservative. You can leave a box of those f-wording things on board for three years and they don't need preservatives. They start fossilized. And if you can smash them to crumbs they make excellent salmon patties FYI. 

I also learned from this story is that Kraft now owns the company which as I recall was having financial problems not to far back and they cracker was an endangered species. That's when they started introducing TBHQ in an effort to eradicate Alaskans.

Friday, March 9, 2012

The Ratio

I don't remember where I saw this but it basically maps out where the sausage/ punani is across 'Merica. The blue balls are where the dudes are and the red spots are where the ladies are dominating. I was wondering if you blew Alaska up to its proper size on the map would the dot increase with it? It should.

My penis says after this year on the Rock I should consider Memphis or New Orleans, maybe even Hotlanta. No wonder the west coast has never been good to me. But what is going on in Redding, California?

Check out Florida. Hey, guys. They are all in Miami. What are you thinking? 

And NYC. What am I thinking?

I can't tell you what I'm thinking.

KRXX Hot 101

Bitter rival KMXT asked this week what people thought of the new format over at KRXX who finally took that snarky arse Jack and buried him in Ellen's back yard. As a product of the 80's I figured my era's domination was over and I was going to have to actually pull my cassettes out of storage but no no no. The new HOT 101 kept some of the cobwebs and dropped the 70's. F-word, yeah! Suck it, classic rock hippies. 

With a week of the new format under my belt I can tell you I now chew two pieces of gum at once and say "like" every third word. I'm not exactly on Rick Deez nuts, either. Not sure what to think but I can say I finally heard the whole Kelly Clarkson song from that Toyota ad with Boomer.

And we now know a Camry can haul as much gross tonnage as a Chevy 3500. Don't kill me for that.

But the real question is what is going on on 104.9? Is there a market for college alternative rock in BF Egypt/The Peninsula? Or here? Maybe I'm just old or stuck in 1985 but I don't get it from a marketing stance. 14,000 country and Jesus stations make more sense to me than around here than an entire station of bands I've never heard of. That's what KMXT is for.

Maybe next KVOK will become a sports talk radio station. I know some guys who could do that.

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

No Mo' Rockets?

Both Kodiak media outlets (although the radio seems to have a raging boner for Pier 3 this week) have reported the end is near MAYBE for Narrow Cape and the Federation's pre-warp launch site for military satellites by a commercial company. Sounds like the buffalo need $8 million to stay afloat and desperately need another launch to keep the cheddar coming to Pasagshak. I might drive out there once a year so I really don't pay the facilities out there much thought. When they do fire on of those puppies off for a north-south orbit the whole town stares up in the sky to watch the lame arse endtrails cut thru the sky as commercial airliners going to Japan do everyday. So somebody answer me this: what kind of New Years' Eve fireworks display could the borough put on with $8,000,000? With about eighteen and a half hours of darkness around that time of year I bet we could have the world's longest fireworks show from 4pm to 10am the next day. Alan. Gary. Put us on the map. A-holes from around the planet would descend on The Rock to watch this. There is an 85% chance is would be too windy/foggy/rainy anyway so you wouldn't even have to really buy the colorful explosives. Just get the tourists trapped here, say "oh well, come back next year," and start counting coin on the tax rev generated on pissed off Outsiders drinking heavily in their rooms at the Shelikof Lodge. And should the weather be fine just have Marty Owen fire a distress flare every ten minutes from the ferry dock.

Sunday, February 26, 2012

City Council Seat Filled

After a secret vote the P-Bran and the Furious Five chose Mark-Anthony Vicocho to fill the seat vacated by The Outlaw Josie Rosales acing out Cliff Clavin Kercsh and James Bond's less attractive sister Tracy Craig*. It's good to see Vicocho is over the whole divorce with J-Lo and moving on to politics. According to the KDM the '99 KHS grad works at the Arkansas box store on Mill Bay and has reproduced a grand total of five times. Damn! Might have to expand city limits if he goes for the half dozen. Maybe that's why he wanted on board. Well I thank him for his service so I don't have to spend my Thursday nights approving taxi permits and getting verbally abused by the haters/Lorna. Maybe later.

*OK, I've never seen this person.

Friday, February 24, 2012

Orpheum Update: Underworld-Awakening

To sum it up it is really just Twilight for boys with Kate Beckinsale (I'm buyin') in a black leather body suit killing everything that moves. Not to sound like some high brow POS but this movie is a mental midget magnet. I think I enjoyed the skiing flick at the wildlife refuge last night more. So now I do sound like a high brow POS. My bad. But the barren wastelands of South America did more for me than a sexy vampire with Rambo-like tendencies. I hope I'm not maturing.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Closing Main?

The Brooks Report is reporting pitchforks on the horizon as the KIBSD school board floated the idea for closing Main Elementary to save cold cash money to the tune of 3.5 million since Gov. Pipsqueak hates public education. 

They can't do that! It's the only school I learned anything at. I could have dropped out of Kodiak Junior High in sixth grade and been just as highly successful as I am today. I'm keeping the book bag, bitch. 89er joke. 

Has it got to the point we are closing schools in Alaska? Holy animal holy in another culture! I guess so. Glad I didn't succeed shooting my seed five hole and pump out puppies to live in this reality. Yall childs be screwed.

Can't they close Peterson? They're mostly coastie brats, right? In two years they get transferred back to somewhere with schools so can't they home school. Most of them are more concerned with school on Sunday anyway from what I can tell. And who the f-word is Peterson? The Vikings halfback? Norm from Cheers? The SON OF PETER? This is exactly why buildings shouldn't be named after people. The future doesn't give a dookie. 

As Main's most recognized (in a line-up) alumnoid I call on Puke, Stewie, and the entire school board to save my K-5 and stick it to the Outsiders and Flatlanders. If they wanted to be civilized they'd live in town.