Closing Main?

The Brooks Report is reporting pitchforks on the horizon as the KIBSD school board floated the idea for closing Main Elementary to save cold cash money to the tune of 3.5 million since Gov. Pipsqueak hates public education. 

They can't do that! It's the only school I learned anything at. I could have dropped out of Kodiak Junior High in sixth grade and been just as highly successful as I am today. I'm keeping the book bag, bitch. 89er joke. 

Has it got to the point we are closing schools in Alaska? Holy animal holy in another culture! I guess so. Glad I didn't succeed shooting my seed five hole and pump out puppies to live in this reality. Yall childs be screwed.

Can't they close Peterson? They're mostly coastie brats, right? In two years they get transferred back to somewhere with schools so can't they home school. Most of them are more concerned with school on Sunday anyway from what I can tell. And who the f-word is Peterson? The Vikings halfback? Norm from Cheers? The SON OF PETER? This is exactly why buildings shouldn't be named after people. The future doesn't give a dookie. 

As Main's most recognized (in a line-up) alumnoid I call on Puke, Stewie, and the entire school board to save my K-5 and stick it to the Outsiders and Flatlanders. If they wanted to be civilized they'd live in town.