Baranof Enquirer Poll

I waited all weekend to mock the news and nothing that jumped out at me. I'm going to spare the kid and his Crab Festival logo because I generally wait til you are in your teens before I tear you apart on here. But the KDM poll was a toughie. I'd go with Kodiak because I'm used to it. And you only get freezing spray on the water which I am no longer. Nome has to be the worst because that place looks like it sucks even when it's 35 above and sunny. I'd think people would be sled dogging to Anchorage to get the hell away from there, not the other way around. As for the kmxt.org political poll....they spelled the president's name wrong. All those right-wingers up at that station piss me off. I have a feeling this will be corrected really soon. And I'd have gone with Tebow (I agree, biggest waste of a penthouse in Vegas ever) over Other.

Kodiak Daily Mirror

Which would you rather deal with:

18 feet of snow (Cordova)

-50 temperatures (Fairbanks)

2 inches of ice and freezing spray (Kodiak)

-35 and gusting wind (Nome)

KMXT

Who will it be in the end?
Mitt Newt Barrack Other

Open Seat Soon?

Someone asked if I was still interested in local politics recently. I said no. Then I saw this from the Brooks Report. 

Rosales’ resignation from the city’s governing council was announced Tuesday night at a city council work session. City clerk Debra Marlar said she received a phone call from Rosales on Jan. 4, and Rosales gave a verbal resignation on that date.

She usually is the highest vote getter of the six. Interesting. 

FYI: I didn't break her arm. She's in Seattle getting repaired from a fall. Yes, I'm jealous. 

I'm also tempted by this opportunity. Plus Kodiak needs me. All groups are well represented on the council except bar flies. My specialty. I'm forming an exploratory committee made up of just me to decide if I should go after the vacancy next month or just enjoy life. 

And yes, Blogger isn't playing ball on formatting my cut-n-paste job so it looks as unprofessional as it is written. I know. Shut up. 

Orpheum Update: Girl With the Dragon Tattoo

Ya like rape scenes? Well have I got a flick for you. Rusty's Funhouse is running for one more night the remake of the Swedish hit movie. Daniel Craig, aka the only dude better looking than me between the sun and the stars, plays a journalist in Sweden hired to solve a cold case. Aren't they all cold cases this time of year in Sandin-avia? Just slapped my knee and snorted twice. Anyway, he teams up with Robert Smith of the Cure to figure schmitt out and ends up humping him. And a fat dude gets a stainless steel dildo to the corn hole. Honestly, I just wanted to see the scenery of the fatherland. Since high school I've said I'd make it to Stockholm and never do. This film didn't satisfy my roots. Another trip to Ikea in Kent, Washington might be in order. GWTDT is ai'ight, I'll probably see the sequel but would rather give Fletcher $5.75 to see the next James Bond movie with Craig doin' the dirty for Mom England and shaggin' half the Victoria's Secret runway in the back of his underwater Aston Martin.

More AA on AA

I caught this on the Seatown PI (not to be confused with Magnum). Our regional airline based in the Emerald City that claims the name of the Great Land is ditching prayer cards that are found in the meals. Aside from my 180 Tebow stance I was always kinda freaked out when Psalms 9:11 or something popped out between my sandwich and the napkin. Is the food so bad it comes with some help from Brother J? Or is this geared towards the maintenance department and is supposed to put the odds in your favor making it in one piece to SEATAC or wherever the hell you are flying.

Instead of prayer cards they need to give out free drinks. All cultures and creeds value a stiff double gin and tonic. Even my Judeo-Christian bros would probably opt for the Jack Daniels over the words of John or Daniel when after some rodeo quality turbulence. Or pass out some wine to everyone, call it Happy Hour Communion, and call it good.  

And have the flight attendants make out for entertainment. And spank each other. And.....sorry.

Center of Attractions

Does anyone really care that part of Center Street is blocked off? Yes, you have to drive an extra 32 second to get to the Powerhouse for your 1A Lunchbox Special but so what. I say they never open it again and plop a maritime museum right there in the middle of the street between two other popular tourist attractions.  Genius idea if you ask me. Outta just get rid of both local governments and appoint me MF King of Kodiak. You could go from talking about sea otters and other aquatic lil furry bastards with Library Lisa to checking out the Thelma C. (when was the last time a baby named Thelma? 1962?) and on to the Baranof Museum for chilled vodka shots from the Skyy Samavor finishing up with some polka dancing on the lawn with those St. Innocents types. Feel me, Sullivan. Let's do this.

REWARD: I Want The Refgate Letter

The island sports rumor mill is in full production today and word is spreading of a two-page letter sent to Wasilla's varsity basketball coach last week. It was an in-depth scouting report on the Kodiak girls basketball team and was written by a former coach and current game ref. I am offering a shot of Crown AND a beer for a copy of this letter. Apparently the Wasilla coach sent the letter back to administrators at Kodiak High and all in the hoop loop are trying to keep it quiet. Just like when I was in high school.

This story follows another incident where a game official intentionally hurt a player. Nothing ruins youth sports faster than adults. If I knock a chick up my brat is going to be encouraged to play video games and avoid organized sports at all costs.

6000 Mile Death Ride On Wheat

The Baranof Enquirer gave some free advertising to Subway today in a story about some kid named John McDonald who plans to ride his bike to Florida and hit every yellow sandwich shop in his path. There is a clown in a yellow jumpsuit who is kind of pissed bout not getting in on this, especially since they share last names. 

I salute this effort to avoid TSA and raise money for college by pimping yourself out to Jared but that sounds kind of dangerous. If he isn't hit by a car surely he'll be sexually assaulted in the woods somewhere in Arkansas. Let's just hope his mouth isn't pretty. Like mine.

And for the record this was my idea a few years ago to hook up with Subaru and drive to the Super Bowl from Homer to Miami in a STi. Problem was the Seahawks didn't make it and I wasn't going to go all that way to watch someone else get crowned.  Now I can't do it in the future because it will look like I bit this high school senior's lyrics. Maybe he read my old blog and I inspired this. Plus Forrest Gump did this kind of schmitt in the 1970's so whateva.

Perhaps he can promote the salmon salad sandwich we have here that the rest of the country doesn't get to feast on. Bump that pink price up, baby. 

Good luck, John.  

And to James Brooks....sorry I called you Jacob a couple weeks ago at the B. Honest mistake.

El Sandinista Lives

That's right. I survived myself once again as temps in the teens and toe warmers made for the highlights of an uneventful season. I've been given orders to stay Rockside for 2012 which may revive this sad blog somewhat.

Roller Derby Rock Something

Now you'd think a four-star perv such as myself would be all over this roller derby thing coming to Kodiak but no. Not even slightly interested. Throw in on of my fav bar nurses and still no go. Why? Time to think aloud.

Kodiak is boring this time a year and if you don't like killing things for protein it call be dull 12 months a year so I understand people wanting to jump on this. But after a pair of winters in Seattle and seeing this down there this strikes me as a fad. A fads have no future. I don't mind being wrong but I just don't see this taking off. But it is better than playing HOLIDAY songs with bells. I think even Tebow might say STFU to that clanging. OK, I'm kidding because only Patrick reads this blog and Wetsy will kick my arse.

Now if this rollerskate combat thing does move forward successfully I think under Title IX we need a male sport counterpart. That sport is synchronized swimming. I'm sure those sexy beasts on Jock of the Rock and a few other random dudes would go for this. Put that newish pool to some use. Maybe we could get Ian Fulp to let us bring a beer pig of Sarah Pale in there during practice. Picture eight of Kodiak's most wanted in banana hammocks man boob deep in the shallow end all in one fluid motion to the sounds of Slayer or Mastadon.

I SAID PICTURE IT OR I KILL YOU. YOU DIE EITHER WAY.