No Mo' Rockets?

Both Kodiak media outlets (although the radio seems to have a raging boner for Pier 3 this week) have reported the end is near MAYBE for Narrow Cape and the Federation's pre-warp launch site for military satellites by a commercial company. Sounds like the buffalo need $8 million to stay afloat and desperately need another launch to keep the cheddar coming to Pasagshak. I might drive out there once a year so I really don't pay the facilities out there much thought. When they do fire on of those puppies off for a north-south orbit the whole town stares up in the sky to watch the lame arse endtrails cut thru the sky as commercial airliners going to Japan do everyday. So somebody answer me this: what kind of New Years' Eve fireworks display could the borough put on with $8,000,000? With about eighteen and a half hours of darkness around that time of year I bet we could have the world's longest fireworks show from 4pm to 10am the next day. Alan. Gary. Put us on the map. A-holes from around the planet would descend on The Rock to watch this. There is an 85% chance is would be too windy/foggy/rainy anyway so you wouldn't even have to really buy the colorful explosives. Just get the tourists trapped here, say "oh well, come back next year," and start counting coin on the tax rev generated on pissed off Outsiders drinking heavily in their rooms at the Shelikof Lodge. And should the weather be fine just have Marty Owen fire a distress flare every ten minutes from the ferry dock.

City Council Seat Filled

After a secret vote the P-Bran and the Furious Five chose Mark-Anthony Vicocho to fill the seat vacated by The Outlaw Josie Rosales acing out Cliff Clavin Kercsh and James Bond's less attractive sister Tracy Craig*. It's good to see Vicocho is over the whole divorce with J-Lo and moving on to politics. According to the KDM the '99 KHS grad works at the Arkansas box store on Mill Bay and has reproduced a grand total of five times. Damn! Might have to expand city limits if he goes for the half dozen. Maybe that's why he wanted on board. Well I thank him for his service so I don't have to spend my Thursday nights approving taxi permits and getting verbally abused by the haters/Lorna. Maybe later.

*OK, I've never seen this person.

Orpheum Update: Underworld-Awakening

To sum it up it is really just Twilight for boys with Kate Beckinsale (I'm buyin') in a black leather body suit killing everything that moves. Not to sound like some high brow POS but this movie is a mental midget magnet. I think I enjoyed the skiing flick at the wildlife refuge last night more. So now I do sound like a high brow POS. My bad. But the barren wastelands of South America did more for me than a sexy vampire with Rambo-like tendencies. I hope I'm not maturing.

Closing Main?

The Brooks Report is reporting pitchforks on the horizon as the KIBSD school board floated the idea for closing Main Elementary to save cold cash money to the tune of 3.5 million since Gov. Pipsqueak hates public education. 

They can't do that! It's the only school I learned anything at. I could have dropped out of Kodiak Junior High in sixth grade and been just as highly successful as I am today. I'm keeping the book bag, bitch. 89er joke. 

Has it got to the point we are closing schools in Alaska? Holy animal holy in another culture! I guess so. Glad I didn't succeed shooting my seed five hole and pump out puppies to live in this reality. Yall childs be screwed.

Can't they close Peterson? They're mostly coastie brats, right? In two years they get transferred back to somewhere with schools so can't they home school. Most of them are more concerned with school on Sunday anyway from what I can tell. And who the f-word is Peterson? The Vikings halfback? Norm from Cheers? The SON OF PETER? This is exactly why buildings shouldn't be named after people. The future doesn't give a dookie. 

As Main's most recognized (in a line-up) alumnoid I call on Puke, Stewie, and the entire school board to save my K-5 and stick it to the Outsiders and Flatlanders. If they wanted to be civilized they'd live in town.

Kodiak Rapper

Facebook has been ablaze with this Kodiak kid and his "Born and Raised" rap song about, you guessed it, being from here. I've never been able to claim the born part so my remix would be called "Just Raised" which sounds more like a rancher's handbook or barely legal porno. My lil sister was born here and I've tried on several occasions to swap birth certificates to achieve true Kodiak purity with her but she's not cool with it. Probably because she'd gain four years.

Now as a pioneer of hip hop in this town far removed from the urban jungles of Outside you'd think I'd be all about this. But I'm still old school. That means no white rappers. Call me stuck in 1991 but I'd flush them all. Even Eminem and he's actually good at it. Sorry, but El Sandinista is still racist when it comes to his beats. No Asians, Arabs, or Mexicans either. Just brothers. If you've listened to as much PRT as me you might understand. No, you wouldn't understand. 

And when I hear the words "born and raised" together I always immediately think of this...

And if you don't think NWA immediately after the hearing the words "born and raised" together then yer a stupid mudderphutter. 

Plus Mr. Whitekeys pretty well nailed it. 

Anywho, my other problem with it is it just isn't very good lyrically (coughwackedcoughcough).  The chorus is alright but I wrote better schmitt my sophomore year in Mr. Simpler's geometer class. Yes, it's okay for cracker kind to write it, just not perform it. No, I can't tell you how to measure that third side of a triangle.

As for the video, enough with the walking up the beach. Where's f-wording Tony's? The wind turbine money shot? Child, please. B+ for effort, F for no chicks. What kind of rap video doesn't have chicks?

Now I'll tell you what is cool is this lil bastard on KMXT Tuesday nights reviving Techno Tuesdays. DJ Y2Kyle is killing it! Takes me back to my wallflower days (nights) at the club in San Diego. Maybe we can get him to battle Eli and the Funky Bunch. Hell, maybe I'll come out of retirement and trance yer arses off.

Does This Look Like Pussy?

There is a firestorm at Palin High over this $100k statue that was placed out in front of the school. Some people think it looks like a stone vajayjay. I can see that. And since it is the Valley (which sounds sexual to me) the thumpers went ape schmitt and covered it with a tarp. 

As a macho idiot teen jock I don't think I'd want this representing my school in that it might give visiting schools the idea they can just come in and run on up us with our c-word out there exposed on the lawn. As an immature adult I just wonder how many people have placed their hand on top of the on in the center. What are those bumps? Is there a golf ball in that snatch? Does it have an STD? How about the stitching? On second thought, won't go there.

And since when did Wasilla get into art beyond the coloring books at WalMart? Will Palmer High get a ten foot rock moose cock? Is Colony going to be the transgender spot? Why am I not carving boulders for six figures?

Letter to the James Gang: Poor Kid

Letters to the Editor around here used to be my bread and butter but lately, like the actual news, they're kinda uneventful. This one did get my attention. Sounds like a kid wrote it and I said I wouldn't bash kids. I'm not.  I'll take out her parents. 

Listen, Brooks doesn't have time for this. He's busy running laps around T-Bird & T-Bar putting out 14 stories a minute. Don't waste his space using the Baranof Enquirer to punish your kids thru public humiliation. Obviously this child did something they shouldn't have and is now basically standing on the side of Rezanof with a sign around her neck that says "I'm Bad" via print media. Kid, if your family really cares for you they'd take away your iPad or paddle the crap out of you but allowing this to be printed is low. Next thing you know they'll be sending your diary to the Wasilla varsity coach.

My family cares for me. The give me a home and food to eat and a bed and things to play with, like books and clothing. They love me. They teach me how to be responsible. They teach me to be good and nice to others, obey the house rules. They teach me to be self-sufficient. Sometimes I abandon the rules. I get consequences, like giving up things that are important tome, like my computer, so that I will learn well. My family gathers around to play games, to eat dinner, to go to church and sometimes for walks. We all help with chores, so everything will get dome and nobody has to do it all by themselves.Some of my family lives with me. Some are not with me here in my house. My brother.....

No News Is No News

It has been a slow week as the two main local news outlet have yet to produce anything worth mocking. Anchorage wasn't much better and I'm trying not to drag my adopted city of Seattle into this. 

Then the ex-coach apologized so the call for the Refgate letter is off the table. I'm starting a second job so I'm not pursuing the open city council seat this time around (deadline to apply is the 15th I think and one person for sure has turned in papers). I even forgot what I overheard at the bar yesterday. Something about her balls being on her chest. Plus the NFL is hibernating. Why can't I? All I got are a couple more hearts from El Chi's but I like the first two I posted more. 

And where the f-word is Ish? Isn't this the break between the federal and state whaling seasons? Post a brother up!

Now I'm Just Babbling About Spam

There was another bottle of Miller and a last slice of crab-n-rice pie left so I figured time enough for one last intoxicated rant for the evening. Plow and Hearth sent me an e-mail. How the hell am I on their list? I've never bought anything from them. I'm not from Nebraska so I don't need a plow and my hearth murmur is really a non-factor according to my doctor. 

Anywho, I went to the website to see what it is they hope I buy. 

Patio furniture. Are you kidding me? The 99615 zip code on my Goggle schmitt should automatically eliminate me from the possibility I will buy something for sitting outside and enjoying myself. We don't have spring. It's like in our city constitution. 

They sell Uggs, too? Do I look like Tom Brady? Yes, but I'm not wearing chick boots. 

They have accessories for fire places taking all the manliness out of FIRE! This yuppy POS catalog needs to be vanquished from the surface of the Earth. They even have a mudroom page. Shoot me!

Overheard at the Bar 2/7/2012

HEY, haven't drunk blogged in some time. Let's see what happens! Just got back from ZB and a T-Bar run where I heard a bartender from another bar call out...

"To being single, double shots, and multiple orgasms!"

But I can only have one per round. Sadness. I should have been a woman with me as a man as a partner. WHO SNEEZED BULLSCHMITT? 

The quote probably isn't original. I'm just from here and haven't heard it all. Still, I like it. And two out of three ain't bad. 

Now I'm home with some MGD and two slices of crab pirok...or is it perok? How the f-word to you spell fish pie like a true islander? Maybe the Mirror can take this up as a poll (KMXT would spell it Perrok and I know that ain't right). I saw a third spelling on Facebook tonight. Seriously, I need an answer to this. 

Side note: Anthony's Bar and No Grill has some new "cocktail waitresses" as they are designated. One didn't give me back my quarters on a $3.50 Rainier so you know what that means. Next time I pay 14 coins at a time. For Christescu sake, C'MON MAN, er, woman. You really going to sacrifice a buck tip later or more for laundry money?

Floyd Now A HOFer

Just when I thought I got away from her she comes back to haunt me again. It is like she's right across the street from me staring me down. KMXT is reporting former mayor Carolyn Floyd, my arch nemesis on Earth as well as the planet Nixandon, has been elected to the Alaska Women's Hall of Fame. Hey, women don't play football! Is this some kind of joke? After going to the website I could find any stats, just some mumbo jumbo about starting a college and bringing the wide diversity of Kodiak together, being mayor for too freaking long. Whateva. Then I looked at the other inductees. That is no Hall of Fame. THIS IS.  

Nikki Buttercup

Great. Look what Senator Dave posted on the web. Another moron in drag doing ballet. I hate culture. Looks like it is from that KMXT talentless show at St. Mary's a few years ago. Glad they put that guy's real name on here so I can crank call him at 3am when I'm wasted and tell him what a disgrace to the Coast Guard he is. Wait, I know that name. He's local. Son of a bitch, really?

End Sunday Prohibition

Shocked I am that I'm posting this and Ish isn't. The Anchorage Daily News had a cute little story on the lifting of blue-laws in Dillingham for Super Bowl Sunday. After further review they do the same for New Years' Eve and St. Patrick's Day with its deep Irish community in the bush when it falls on a Sunday. So if you can sell booze three Sundays a year how about 49 more? Or at least when I'm tendering there. They should lift the ban for salmon season with all the extra money flying around. The taxes collected by the borough on beer from our boat alone would probably pay for a new fire truck in five seasons (or at least give the Harbormaster a raise). I propose adding red season to the list of Sunday suds sales from June 15th to the day we past Egigik headed southwest. Last year two of our rare days off during the season fell on a Sunday and I almost went postal when I could still "see out" at the end of the night. C'mon Dillingham. End your anti-capitalist, un'Merican, Romneylike law and join the rest of the country in 2012. Cheers.

One Arm Bandit

I just saw my homie in Hollywood just posted this picture he took of a slot machine in Palm Springs. Has the gambling industry officially ran out of slot machine themes? I can't wait for the tribes to get one of these. Bingo takes so long to lose your money. This bastard could clean you out in a fraction of the time. Dingdingdingdingdingdingding!!! I hope they make a Dillingham version with a picture of a mudcaked setnetter whining about something on the front. Line up five red diamonds and you get to upgrade to a drift permit, bitch.

El Pick Up Lines

El Chi's bar is in the spirit and breaking mine with these early Valentines decorations. Once the 2011-2012 NFL campaign ends Sunday and the 14th approaches I tend to start looking at ropes and trees differently. Humbug.

So which is better? Time for a poll.

J1 and Done

The Rock Daily Reflection found a juicy AP story today on non-'Merican workers getting the squeeze. It seems the main push was to stop sex trafficing of Ukrainians in thigh high f-me boots but this also has affects our discount cannery workers from around the globe/Turkey. This could really put a damper on my favorite game: Hitting People With A Truck Who Walk In The Road. 2010 I set a PR for total points score, highest 30 day total, and all-time most ER visits via Ford Ranger. 2011 was an off year but this move by the feds could really bring 2012 down to early 90's stats. Thankfully the recent snowfall has pushed people into the roadway and making for a killer winter making up for what might be a summer scoring drought. 

Don't think this is a one-way street. I was fair game walking back from downtown last night. Don't blame me if you missed your chance at 1am to mow me down. And yeah, I saw you late model Dodge Ram. Nice try. Might give you a second chance tonight.

Overheard at the Bar

Stealing a theme from my on-line partner; things said aloud in Anthony's Bar and No Grill last evening. FYI: I came up two hours short of going January on the wagon. Somehow I can live with myself. 

1. "I have terrible things on my phone." 

Even I can not, will not, describe the fish parts and porn hybrid pics the iPhone produced. 

2. "There is nothing sexier than the smell of diesel and bait on a man."

This takes the "Kodiak Sexy" concept further than I've ever heard. Might have to fingerbang the gas hole on my neighbor's Volkswagen TDI before I go out next time.

 3. This song on the jukebox. I'd only heard the Metallica version before, not the original.



THESE MUDDERPHUTTERS GOT MOVES!

New Library

Although I've been recruited a couple times to join the push for a new public library (9 million raised? Is this fake?) in Kodiak it just doesn't excite me in the Internet Age. Getting the new cop shop was higher on my list because I want to be comfortable when the lock me up for urinating in public. Don't get me wrong, I see the value of libraries, I just see them as so 20th century. And are they spending all this money to create a new library so it isn't next door to the Brother Frances Shelter (not to be confused with my current living arrangement) to keep the hobos off the leather? I don't know. 

But I do know you have to keep up with the times. Seattle is a perfect example. This story shows how progressive things are down there. Not only do they have a children's wing but an "adult" section of the library as well. Free internet porn with public funding, you can't beat that (or now you can beat that). I like how the City of Seattle is working to make up for the loss of the Lusty Lady downtown by utilizing resources they already have.

NFL = Socialism

Let's see how much Ishmael likes baseball after the Bill Maher treatment.