New Coastie Toy

The Mirror posted this video along with a story on the new USCG boat that is 38-foot long and does 35 knots. Didn't say what it packs.They claim it can get from the base to town in ten minutes....just like a car. I guess if the Honda is in the shop and the coastie wife is at Bernie's sucking face with a cod fisherman you feel the need for speed. The boat can handle 30 knot winds and six foot seas so basically it is a $300,000 kayak. Should have got a Ferrari, boys.

Minotaur IV

Why does it have an IV? Is it sick? Well, nice pics all over Facebook but this is the real deal video right here. That's right, I slept in and still got to see it. Go take a nap.

Top 20 Seattle Bars

As you may have noticed and most likely did not care I put off my snowbird adventures another month to stay perched on my Rock. This must have angered those at the Seattle PI website so they countered with a Top 20 Bars in Seattle list. Bastards. Going right after my heart. But this wasn't really the best all round but the tops in 20 categories, or 19. I've been to seven: 

Brouwers: This was their best beer bar and that's hard to argue since they have a half zillion bottles from Germany, Belgium, and the Pacific Northwest. Fairly hidden in Fremont I've been once and was put off by the beer snobbery and snootiness although it is really nice set up for deez eyeballz. Less attitude, please. If I go back I'm going to make up a beer and berate them for not having it.

The Tractor Tavern: I'm 40 and not really into the whole local band thing anymore if I really ever was. The PI made this the top music/band bar and I wouldn't argue with that but its not exactly well set up for chit chat if I recall. Haven't been there in ages and really it serves no purpose for my old arse.

The Viking Tavern: Also in Ballard is the Viking Tavern that I hit with my Seatown drinking partner DHM before I returned. I liked it but it is off the main drag so wasn't set up for my walking bar tours. Sadly I don't remember why I liked it, just that I did. 

The Grizzled Wizard: Tagged as the best bar you've never heard of I've heard of. Hells, I've been there on the recommendation of the bartender at Sea Monster. The service was great and the crowd was f-wording weird. Good weird. Plus they had cheap beer. This article has a knack for places I've only been to once. The Wizard can be found on 45th in Wallingford not too far from Dick's. 

The Matador: Been here a few times and not for tequila as the dot com suggests it for. Its all about the late night happy hour with nachos as big as El Chicanos but for a third of the price. The bartender was sickened by my ability to eat a whole plate by myself at midnight. Lots of hotties there at all hours of the day. 

George and Dragon: The nod for best bloody pub goes to this soccer hotspot in Fremont. It's always crowded when I've been and not necessarily when the Sounders are playing. Decent grub, decent drinks, not too many wankers.

Wildrose: Last of the bunch I've been to is the Wildrose, selected as best lesbian bar in my adopted city. Why was a there? They had beer. Did I feel unwelcome? Yes. It took me a while to win over the other customers and left as soon as I did. I'd go back if I have my Libyan 24 virgin security detail in tow.

Not sure why they didn't have a best dive bar pick but perhaps that's for when they really want to kick me in the jimmy. I promised The Cheesehead Princess at Tony's I'd put together a Seattle bar guide for her before she goes down there and will post it here for all to see. 

Oktobetrain

Caught this out of the corner of my eye on a Facebook ad and couldn't believe what it said. Upon further investigation I found it to be true. DID YOU KNOW the Alaska Railroad has a beer run from Anchorage to Portage to celebrate the celebration of celebrating brewskis, German style? For $159 you get about 36 ounces worth of beer samples and round trip fare plus a mother load of finger food. Plus you can purchase more beer if the samples aren't enough. Don't know why I even said if. Sounds like the perfect 270 minute vacation or pre 43/41 Club warm-up. No word if Kodiak Island Brewing will have one of the featured micros on the ride. So when are we going to start doing booze cruises in Kodiak?

Kodiak Spring

Here we have this arson story from the Anchorage Daily News and not a local source because all the reporters were drunk with me this weekend. Well, most of them. I won't be happy until I have Brooks puking behind a dumpster and falling off his drunk bike with the sun coming up. Anywho, looks like the Arab Spring has finally reached the island.

The first one happened before 6 a.m. Someone called 911 to report a school bus stop shelter on fire. The Bayside Fire Department found it fully engulfed in flames. The shelter, valued at $2,000, was destroyed, troopers said.

At 7:16 a.m., another 911 call was received at the Kodiak Police Department, this time about a SUV on fire. Again Bayside responded. The 1994 Chevy Blazer, valued at $3,000, was a total loss, troopers said.

Then at 10:14 a.m., Kodiak police received a third 911 call about a fire, this one involving a baseball dugout. It also was destroyed, troopers said. The dugout was valued at $3,000.

I knew it was a matter of time city folks would rise up against the water rates being hiked up twenty bucks a month and 18 years of Mayor Floyd's totalitarian reign. I predict she will be ousted from power with a month. We are setting rainfall records yet the aqua costs more now? Supply and demand, mudderphutters! 

But the good news is this inspired my Halloween costume. I think I'm going to be Col. Muammar el-Qaddafi. The tricky part is finding 24 hot virgins to wear blue camo and be my "security detail".

I'm Not Even Going To Comment

Everybody Loves Whales Trailer

Just released:

Orpheum Update: Smurfs

Dinner is almost ready so I'm making this short. 

I decided to fake being a good person and take some kids to see this movie knowing it might move me back to the bar after dropping them off at home. Only my last remaining ounce of will power prevented me from hitting Tony's and buying the whole bottle of Crown to erase the horror I'd just witnessed.

Smurfs starts off like a cartoon but soon crossed worlds much like Enchanted did. Yeah, I saw Enchanted. Tell anyone and I'll Victornox you open leave your gut pile for the bears. They end up in post 9/11 New York City and are touched by TSA agents in ways Smurfs should not be touched. This politically motivated film is directly aimed at the Patriot Act. I think Micheal Moore directed it.

Gargamel, played by Hank Azaria, looked too much like the San Diego Padres mascot which ruined the realness of it all. Everything else I figure could happen.

The only voice I recognized was of that Lopez guy who was after Conan and got canned. And Doogey Houser. Sofia Vergara saved the movie by not being a cartoon.

The only thing that reminded me of the original Smurfs cartoons was Smurfette is  still a little whore.

But more puzzling than the movie are the posters around the theater declaring Arizona got it right and the rest of the country ain't squat. Immigration? Taking Bristol Palin from us? I don't get it. I don't want to get it.

Nix Pix NFL Week 3

Last Week :1-1-1

Season Record: 1-4-1

Tomorrow I relocate to my secret base in Seattle so I need to crank this out before I put my Nix Pix in a box. I'm glad I'm getting out of here so I don't have to take anymore abuse over the Seahawks and can take refuge with my own kind. So let me turn this around on you, Kodiak. Let me tell you what I find pathetic. The City election is a walk in not just for mayor but for both council seats as well. Seriously? Nobody is going to step to the plate? Let's look at the mess we have shall we?

Detroit -3 @ Minnesota

Take the Vikings who go from old arse Brett Favre to old arse Donovan McNabb. This is like our mayoral situation trading one old white woman for another. But at least the quarterbacks didn't raise lunch on seniors from five bucks to seven. That's a 28% hike. What's next? Feed the elders Alpo? Guess what she'll do to your taxes if she gets the tiebreaker vote. There is silver and black in her veins I tell you. Maybe I should pull a Murkowski and cancel my trip. Do you want Pat leading you in the fourth quarter vomiting thru her facemask on the field with the future on the line? Do you want 90% of city funding going to the arts and highbrow movies? Do you want all city streets speed limits dropped to 10mph?  Didn't think so. F-word it, write me in.

Nick's Pick: LIONS

San Francisco @ Cincinnati -2.5

Jerry Springer was mayor of Cincinnati once. Remember that and write my arse in, bitches. Terry Haines, Fishhead mudderphutter and Niners fan. He didn't rib me after Week One so I'm going to spare his pubic hairdo, boy band hat, and pink iPod today. He's served before and did okay I guess but he still should have competition at least. He's the Alex Smith of this election. OK, I said I wasn't going to insult him. My bad. Maybe his team should have term limits on the QB position.

Nick's Pick: 49ERS

Kansas City @ San Diego -14.5

This leaves me with the 23-year old kid. I've always been in favor of youth in local government so that's not my problem with dude. It's his business. I'm entering my 50th month Mecca free and yet I can't feel good about this knowing this disease of an establishment will have a seat at the table. The Scrounge Lounge is probably responsible for half the police calls on a Friday night so is this a plan to get the pigs off his back? Hmmmm. Smart! But like jacking up meal fees on social security types, the cover charge at the 'Ca is insulting as it is a rip off. So if you can't manage a crappy nightclub how the hell are you going to run a town of 6600 people? Will he take on the CHARR and go for a citywide smoking ban? Will you have to pay three bucks to pay your water bill in person? Do I have to fly Wolfboy and Pizza Chris back to start Boycott The Government? Oh, and the Chiefs lost their star running back.

Nick's Pick: CHARGERS

Spirit of Seattle

in less than 48 hours I'm getting shipped back to the Outside world and Seatown is preparing for my arrival it seems. Or at least the Seattle PI is. It was kind enough to look at Seattle area liquor sales. 

Sales are about to triple, mudderphutters.

Basically, Emerald City types like vodka while the state as a whole is drawn to Canadian whiskey.  The surprise was the popularity of a whipped cream flavored vodka by Pinnacle in the city. I'm kind of embarrassed to be going there now. Whip cream is for wearing, not drinking.

I'd love the Mirror to so a similar story on Kodiak's two Safeway stores or how different parts of the country favor different spirits. And I'd also like to know what beers are most popular in Seattle. And Portland.

Can You Name This Man?

So can you? Before tonight I'd never heard of dude. 

Leave your answer in the comments.

Saltery Video

Ish sent to me this morning. Disappointed I was to find I misread the title as being "sultry" but we're posting it anyway. I've never been out that way so it gives me an idea of what I've been missing. There is some bear footage at the end if you can stand the endless trail ride.

$1174

Governor "Bushwick Bill" Parnell announced today Alaskans will be getting $1174 in PFD goodness, down about a Benjamin from 2010. No word if Texas Governor Rick Perry has called it a Ponzi scheme yet.

"Catch" Boatloads at the Emmys

Not sure how this got by me but thankfully Jay Leno of all people caught it. Kodiak's last favorite reality program kicked arse at the Emmy awards on Sunday winning all four categories they were nominated in.

Outstanding Reality Program
Outstanding Cinematography for Reality Programming
Outstanding Picture Editing for Reality Programming
Outstanding Sound Mixing for Reality Programming

I have no argument with the sound and visual wins. The show really does look amazing sometimes. As for Outstanding Reality Program it has to win by default. I mean what else could you see winning? Jersey Shore? Keeping Up With Reggie Bush's Ex and Her Slut Sisters? Hoarders (actually was nominated. So sad)? Seriously, name one reality show better than DC. OK, Alaska State Troopers, maybe. Sorry haters but I'm with the voters on this one. So does every crew member get a statue?

Oh, the Leno joke: The crews were so happy winning the award right after they went to Hollywood Blvd and caught more crabs. 

Or something like that.

KMXT and _ _ _ _

 At the recent KMXT Annual Meeting and Chinese Food Pig Out it was announced the station is adding a second non-HD channel in the future. Members were given three choices to pick from on new call letters for this station. KDAK, KODK or KADQ. 

I don't really care for KADQ although that's our airport code thingee. I'm tuning my radio not looking for my luggage. Still not sure if I care for ADQ on the KHS basketball uniforms either. But the bigger reason I oppose this four letter combo is that Dairy Queen left the island in the mid 80's and this would serve as a painful reminder of all the soft serve treats I was denied in my teen years. FU KADQ. FU McKDNL.

I don't really like KDAK either. Brings Adak to mind. Or worst, Kadiak. Glad the Russians swapped out the "a" for an "o" later so we wouldn't sound like we were near Boston.

 I voted for KODK. Looks most like Kodiak, sounds it as well. It is like the Earth to the Vulcan KVOK. But like Nix Pix I'm rarely right so I'd expect one of the other two to champion this contest. 

What wasn't discussed was what the hells will be on the airwaves. Better not be a classical dominated station or I'm taking hostages. Maybe we can get Jock of the Rock an hour time slot? Wait, maybe not. I'd probably divide the frequencies between those older than me and those younger. KMXT for the geezers and the new one for the punk arses. Beastie Boys 24/7? 

I'll update this post when I learn the winner.

PETA Takes On Seafood

PETA is planning a protest in Seattle according to the Times to bring attention to the feelings of fish. The story claims a whole dozen people plan on showing up with signs and pictures of dying, bloody fish to wave at traffic on Alaskan Way near the Waterfront Seafood Grill. Whateva. Nobody cares about fish aside from wild vs. farmed and fried vs. baked. UNLESS it is one of those naked PETA demonstrations. 

But this organization is why I quit eating certain animals. Mainly mammals that are closely related to use which is why I have cut down or cut out gorilla, chimp, and monkey brains from my diet. Or maybe it was Indiana Jones that got me to stop. I forget. 

Free country, knock yourselves out PETA peeps but I would have picked a better location. Any of the following would be a better spot:

1. Ivar's on Alaskan Way: It is just down the street but closer to the tourists plus nobody has cooked up more salmon, cod, and halibut than that crusty SOB. 


2. Fisherman's Terminal in Ballard: Go after the killers face-to-face. Of course it is 50/50 you get knocked the f-word out. Throw a block of tofu at Sig, see what transpires.


3. U-District: You might increase you numbers from 12 to 18 by picking up some college students coming out of Araya's. All You Can Eat Pad Thai, Holmes.  

4. Southcenter: They have a Duke's at the mall now. You could say fish makes your arse get fat and be 100 times more effective. 


5. Pike's Place Market: Not only are there dead fish but they throw them, desecrating their bodies to entertain tourists. 

But seriously, I'd stick to cows and pigs.

I Guess LL Cool J Was Too Old

The Anchorage Daily News is reporting rapper 50 Cent is heading to the Great Land to play the part of an 80's pimp in a flick being filmed about a serial killer from the 80's. Not sure why I wasn't cast for the part. I'd have gone with a real pimp from Kodiak but I guess a hip hopper from Queens is close enough. Well, I would have done a movie about a murderous stripper instead, too, but once again it wasn't my call. Yeah, Megan Fox as Michele Linehan. Oh yeah. 

The film with Fitty is called The Frozen Ground and stars John Cusack, Nic Cage, and Vanessa Hudgens. Sorry but she's too young to make a joke about. That kind of joke. MMMMMMMMMMMMMegan Fox. She could play a dead body and I'd go see it.

Quitter hasn't commented on the Curtis Jackson hiring yet but I'm sure she's be up for some of that in her Wu Tang. With a side of Rice.

Wonder Exactly How $h177y the Weather is around the Rock?

Check out the Kodiak Weather Webcam site. We put a link on the lefthand side.

Proof that there are several shades of grey.

Burning Man '11

I learned of Burning Man about 15 years ago and had my chance to go back in my Tahoe days but anymore I just don't think I have the energy. Reading the Slate article on it today made me wish I'd gone. This video might actually get me to change my mind and go. But for now that Bunker Hill rave or Fremont will be the closest thing to this I'll get. Maybe they could have Raining Man out at Chiniak and Dustin Hoffman could be the Grand Marshall.

KDM Using Video

The Kodiak Daily Mirror Dot Com just scored some serious points with me as The Clarkston has incorporated VIDEO into his sports stories. Take that, KMXT News Team! Hopefully he'll have some shots of basketball this winter for the KDM website.

Alaska Ads on Hulu? And the Imminent Demise of Cal Worthington

So I'm watching Modern Family on Hulu this evening and they had a Cal Worthington commercial on it.

Two things struck me:

1, Hey, there are local commercials on Hulu (I hadn't watched it all summer); and

2, Cal Worthington sounded really rough. Hope he's in good health.

Quote of the Weekend

Overheard last night at The Villagio...

Girl talking about her friend: "I am trolling for companionship, she is fishing for dick."

No Love for Redheads' Love Juice

Turns out the World's Largest Sperm Bank (no, not that skank I used to date) has started turning down redheaded donors because of too little demand.

Ole Schou, Cryos's director, said that there had been a surge in donations in recent years, allowing the facility to become much more picky about its donors.
"There are too many redheads in relation to demand," he told told Danish newspaper Ekstrabladet. "I do not think you chose a redhead, unless the partner - for example, the sterile male - has red hair, or because the lone woman has a preference for redheads. And that's perhaps not so many, especially in the latter case."

Well, there go my plans to make a little extra money on the side.

Greatest President Ever

Economy, Schnomy. Barack Hussein Obama brews his own effing beer in the White House.

President Obama, in his infinite wisdom, decided to buy some beer brewing equipment (with his own money) and started brewing batches of White House Honey Aleearlier this year for a Super Bowl party.
Small batches have continued to be brewed since that time, with the most notable recent consumption arriving when Medal of Honor recipient Marine Sgt. Dakota Meyer requested a beer with the president.

My New Ride?

I once lived aboard this boat in Seattle. It's a 62-foot 1931 Boeing. Yes Boeing. Helped the owner with a little of the work on it. Beautiful vessel. I never slept better in my life than I did aboard her.

The summer was great when co-eds would paddle by and ask if it was mine. I enjoyed margaritas on the deck with many of them.

Turns out she's for sale - and at $175,000, it's less than a house in Kodiak....

"He smelled awful," she said

Maybe you saw the news of the guy in the Big City "exposing" himself to women on a trail up there, attacking one of them. Wasn't me. If you are going to leap out of the brush and whip out your Nick Jr. do it right. Have a bike with 26" wheels. A BMX bike makes a great drunk bike but a lousy get away vehicle. Second, 3pm is still a little light out. Time it with sunset. 8:30pm tonight would have been perfect as it will be dark once the cops start looking for you. And finally don't get too close. Dude was a foot away and they can't get a good look at the goods. Somewhere between one to two yards works best, a safe distance so you don't get any germs on ya. And be a professional for Pete's sake, take a shower before you go perving. Remember, if you get caught you might have to hang out with this guy.

Nix Pix NFL Week 2

Last Week: 0-3
Season Record: 0-3

Told you I suck at this. Whateva. Instead of walking downtown and watching Aliens & Cowboys at the Orpheum for a review on here I decided to play My Grandma Is F-Wording A Tranny From Alaska on a loop and crank up the volume to eleven. My hips hurt too much to walk downtown and get my bike from the nine hour drinking marathon I managed last night. In fact, I rode a bike down, got a ride home, then rode a second bike back to the bar after dinner. Double drunk bike, bitches. One still remains locked to a parking sign in an alley somewhere. When I figure it out I'll go get it. Picking football games, where I parked the Pizza Chris mountain bike (yes, the same bike that did the Tour De Tony's violating the Sandy People and made the Kessel Run in less than twelve parsecs), I'm just clueless right now. Maybe I should just find some random four year old child in the bar to pick three games for me.

Dallas @ San Francisco +3

Hey, told you Dallas was good. Kinda. Now if I had to pick between watching this game and Aliens & Cowboys I'd probably have to flip a coin. I have Witten on my fantasy team but I'm a closet sci-fi dork. And then there is the issue of James Bond. This Daniel Craig has been known to turn straight guys into Romos. If you stare too long, something like ten seconds, the gene flips the script and then you are playing for the other team. Insert Seinfeld line here. Only watching a half day marathon of Baywatch reruns can turn you back and I don't have that kind of time. But it is Thursday and missed my last chance for the flick so I guess I'd have to go with the San Francisco game. What?

Nick's Pick: COWBOYS

Baltimore -6 @ Tennessee

Dear Matt, 

I know we haven't talked since you walked out on me. Do I miss you? You were my man. MY MAN. But I would take you back, if, you know, wanted to, like, come back or something. You know they don't care about you like I do. Just a bunch of rednecks and hillbillies who prefer college football anyway. So how's our precious bundle of Jake-Jake adjusting to the South? Is he eating well? Please take good care our our little boy. I love you.

Yours forever,

Man 12 

PS- Did you get the flowers? And be careful. That brute Ray Lewis is a bad bad man.

Nick's Pick: RAVENS

San Diego @ New England -6

Tom Brady looked so good on the field PLAYING FOOTBALL that I really don't see the point of having a season this year. My team put up 37 yards of offense in the first half of their game. Makes me sick. So maybe I should just act like the lockout happened and find a different sport to occupy my time. A sport like Masskrugstemmen. Tell me this isn't the next great KMXT fundraiser. Tell it to my face. I say we do four at a time with arms over a kiddie pool (not for kids, of course) in the bar. Once the pool is full chicks wrestle me in it for charity (small c). Maybe we can raise enough to get Wolfboy back. Or get Tom Brady a better haircut.

Nick's Pick: Patriots

PFD Fares Are Back

Some free advertising for Alaska Airlines here but this is the only time of year they aren't completely doing us in the rump. The annual Permanent Fund Dividend Sale starts today with pretty much the lowest prices to escape Los Rocko de la Sucko you will see all year! It all starts with $198 RT to Anchortown and just gets better. Seattle? $289 OW. Come visit me this winter. I'm lonely. Hawaii? Same price. Spokane? F-word Spokane but it is still only $319 OW. Vegas? $369 OW (hooker not included). Mexico is under $800 round trip which is less than I bought my ticket to Seatown a few weeks ago. And you don't even need a PFD to get in on the deal. So make like a rat off the Titanic and score some affordable seats before October 17th or be doomed in the darkness til next May. DOOMED I say!

Kids Don't Belong In Bars. Period.

Why do I look a few inches taller right now? Because I'm on my soapbox. Granted, it isn't very high, hotel sized Irish Spring packaging in my case but I'm still disturbed over something I saw yesterday. 

I got an invite down at a local watering hole for a cold one around 5pm so I biked downtown. The first thing I see once I take my seat is a little girl, I'd guess about four years old at a table on the other side of the bar. I ask the bartender if this is OK and she tells me it is by the letter of the law and therefore with the establishment although she's concerned and pretty put off by it all.

Maybe I'm old fashion. Maybe times have changed. Maybe I'm wrong but there is no reason for a child to be in a smoky bar with it's share of intoxicated and nefarious characters. This seems like common sense to me that you don't raise a kid like this, drinking and dancing with half the guys in the place while the four year old plays with darts and listens to Cee-Lo Green (same song as this video) on the jukebox. Not cool.

When the father of the child came in, picked the kid up and walked out without saying a word I felt a little better and a little worse at the same time. He looked pretty disgusted with the whole situation, too.

I don't want to see a kid in a bar. Ever.

Stud Muffins

If I am not mistaken, and there's no guarantee of that (or of my being able to spell "guarantee" correctly on the first try), we will be allowed to stud up our tires starting Thursday, Sept. 15. Or maybe that's just those above the Barren Island Barrier. Anyway, it's soon, and I GD guarantee I'll be Andrew's first client this year.

Glen Rice- American Hero

He went from one of my favorite players to MY FAVORITE PLAYER. Sorry, Jordan.

• NBA Champion (2000)
• NBA All-Star MVP Award (1997)
• NCAA Men's Division I Basketball Championship Tournament Outstanding Player (1989)
• NCAA Champion (1989); University of Michigan
• 3 time All-Star
• 2 time All-NBA — 1997 second team, 1998 third team
• NBA Three-Point Shootout Champion (1995)
• All Rookie NBA — (1990)
• Retired Jerseys: #41 University of Michigan
• NBA leader in three-point field goal percentage: 1997
• NBA leader in minutes played: 1997
• NBA leader in games played: 1995, 1998
• 8th all time in three pointers made
• F-worded Barracuda in 1987

Sierra Nevada Torpedo

 

Try this. You will like it. I promise. 

Husky Bike

This is the Husqvarna E-go electric motor bike concept. Any chance Kodiak Rental Center will have these available next to the fine line of weedeaters they carry? No. I said it was a concept.

He's From Where?

As the ESPN Monday Night Countdown crew says...C'MON, MAN. 31-year-old Keith Tracey from a place called Point Lay (not making this up) met some late teen on-line from some equally tiny village, bought her a plane ticket to met in Anchortown, and they tried forcing herself on her when she wouldn't give up the kitty. Thanks for killing my internet dating chances, Keith. Woman are deleting their Zoosk accounts by the dozens in villages all across the state now and the Island Warrior is going to get left out in the cold. Now I can just stare out the window watching the rain and listening to my Stain'd CDs. I'm crying. On the outside. This just makes me want to move to Seattle in ten days. OK, you can GoogleEarth Point Lay, AK now. Really. Go ahead. That's what I'm doing.

Read the whole story HERE in the Anchorage Daily News.

OK, that's the most remote place I've ever seen. Now I kind of understand why he did what he did. Not saying it was right, just understand.

One Bad Ad

After browsing the KDM website for material to mock I really found nothing worthy of my smart arse. This gave me a chance to bring up my biggest problem with the site and it comes in the form of this video ad from Inmarsat. But Sig loves Inmarsat. F-word Sig with a double shocker dildo and a side of his tartar sauce. Kodiak folk don't want to see him advertising anything and they really don't want to see this ad on every single page of the on-line paper. Yet there it is. Keep it on the front page, Betsy Wetsy. Wait, she's gone. Who's running things up there? Anywhoyouare, confine that ad to the front page at least and find some new sponsors like this one.

New State Song

I just learned of the recently renamed band Owen Hart in "Seattle's Only Newspaper," better known as The Stranger. The group was named for a pro wrestler who died about a decade ago and was taken to court by his estate to change the name. They are now called Earth Control but really none of this matters. The real discovery was they have a song called My Grandmother Is F-wording A Tranny From Alaska. Brilliant! This two minute and sixteen second gem of "meth metal" should be voted in as the new official Alaska State song kicking the current lyrics (eight stars on a field of blue, etc) to the icy curb. Since the OH/EC song really just sounds like a guy screaming and doesn't sound like any language at all it covers all our diversity by excluding everyone evenly.

Look for it on ITunes on the album This Comp Kills Fascists Volume 2.

All the excitement in this town is in the Flats

So apparently, not only was there a mudslide that closed the Chiniak Highway briefly last night near the base (after a record 3.5" of rain yesterday), but a couple of Rocketeers hit a bear by the AC on their way to work this morning.


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A Tough Look at Alaska from Doonesbury

Doonesbury is spending the week talking about the book on the Barracuda.











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Scotch Scotch Scotch

So how does someone (me) who goes out more nights a week than stays home and spends the GNP of Rhode Island on drinks not consider himself (me) an alcoholic? By any other definition I should have a room next to Charlie Sheen at Betty Ford or at least legally change my name to Norm Peterson so why do I not consider myself addicted to booze? 

Easy. I don't drink scotch. 

I learned a few things this summer about scotch but mainly that it is filtered with charcoal in a manner than takes out impurities and thus is less likely to cause a hang over. Is this true? Haven't got Timmothy Ferriss to test this yet but I believe it. And since 'Mericans seem to love the stuff why don't I?

First of all it tastes like gasoline to me. I can sip most things but scotch straightens my pig tails. And it just doesn't seem right to mix it in cola. Knock me down a few Man Points if you must but I'd sooner spray WD-40 in my mouth than pour myself a glass of Glenlivet.

Another reason is class warfare. This is doctors/lawyers schmitt. I'm 12oz can guy. 

Then there is price. I'm cheap. It ain't. I have trouble splurging for a fifth of Crown so there is no way I'm spending three more dollars for a bottle of whiskey from Scotland. So long as there is a Canada that is where my juice will come from.

But I'd like to get there. Believe me, nothing would make me prouder than being a real alcoholic in the eyes of my parents and peers. Sadly the Joe Beer Drinker thing isn't going to get me to the promise land so until I make six figures and can get used to the taste I'll probably never fulfill my potential. Sigh.

Miss Universe 2011

Flipping channels after the Raiders dropped Denver 23-20 in a Kodiak-looking downpour I caught the tail end (pun intended) of the Miss Universe pageant from San Paulo just before the state news on NBC. Quick recap: Miss Angola beat out some honey from Ukraine who I swear I saw working at the cannery in Dillingham a couple months ago. Second runner-up went to the hometown favorite who looked like Fergie and not in a good way. Miss China and Miss Philippines rounded out the top five but I think the whole thing was wiggetywiggetywack. China should have been top three and not because we owe her country cash money. I'd hurdle the Great Wall for a piece of that. Brazil couldn't even make it at Hooters. The rest is a toss up depending on yer racial erection preferences. Mom, quit reading over my shoulder. Anywho, Shamcey Supsup (pictured) from the Pacman Islands should have won. Easily. No doubt I'm getting it on with my body pillow tonight with her in mind (or weather lady Tracy Sinclare). Yes, you can still do that at 40. I wrote the book. Someday Levi Johnston will read it.

Johnston Speaks

As a rule I try not to click any new article with the name Palin in it but when I saw Levi Johnston has a book coming out September 20th called "Deer in the Headlights: My Life in Sarah Palin's Crosshairs," I couldn't mouse over fast enough. I'm glad to see that WHS hockey mutterpucker getting his on this and if he made half of it, well, good for him. The ADN story highlighted some details which I can sum up in one word: Juicy. Although I'm illiterate I'd still buy this book. Too bad it didn't come out before tendering season when I was sitting on my arse off of Coffee Point reading the same Maxim from 2009 over and over. Damnit. Sadly, I think this will mark the end of what ever popularity he has and he will soon fade away as the whole clan becomes more and more irrelevant. 

I wanna give a shot out to my bro Track. Sea Inn til you can't see out, Holmes!

Read more: http://www.adn.com/2011/09/12/2064382/johnston-writes-of-bristol-palins.html#ixzz1XoHq4IDo

Years of Shame, Indeed

New York Times Columnist Paul Krugman hits the nail on the head with is Sunday blog post.

September 11, 2011, 8:41 am
The Years of Shame
Is it just me, or are the 9/11 commemorations oddly subdued?
Actually, I don’t think it’s me, and it’s not really that odd.
What happened after 9/11 — and I think even people on the right know this, whether they admit it or not — was deeply shameful. The atrocity should have been a unifying event, but instead it became a wedge issue. Fake heroes like Bernie Kerik, Rudy Giuliani, and, yes, George W. Bush raced to cash in on the horror. And then the attack was used to justify an unrelated war the neocons wanted to fight, for all the wrong reasons.
A lot of other people behaved badly. How many of our professional pundits — people who should have understood very well what was happening — took the easy way out, turning a blind eye to the corruption and lending their support to the hijacking of the atrocity?
The memory of 9/11 has been irrevocably poisoned; it has become an occasion for shame. And in its heart, the nation knows it.

We really could have come together - as we did for a few precious weeks after the attacks. But Big Oil wanted Iraq and Shrub wanted revenge for Pappy Bush being threatened and we invaded a country that had nothing to do with 9/11 at all. And don't give me the "Saddam was a bad man" argument - there are scores of them we allow to live unmolested - and scores throughout history that the U.S. has even supported (Shah of Iran, anyone?).

This dark period in our lives will end when the evil-doers in the Shrub administration are rotting in the cold, cold ground.

Oil Field Jobs?

The Anchorage Daily News (no clever nickname) reported a few days ago our state senators were looking into why Alaskans weren't getting hired on The Slope at a rate we'd expect. I have a few friends around these parts who've been trying to get in on the action up there but to no avail. I've wondered the same thing for years so I'm glad our reps are doin' work on why the locals aren't. But it isn't that I'm so strongly in favor of getting my peeps employed up there as it is keeping Texans out. For every Alaskan hired means one jackarse redneck from the Lone Star state isn't and that's good enough for me. Had we adopted a ban on cowboy roughnecks and alike there would be no Wasilla today. What a wonderful world it would. 

As for the homies who get a job and then promptly move out of state for their two weeks off I say they earned it. Go with your bad self. Tan. Eat fresh produce every single day. See people wearing skirts. Wear one yourself. Its OK. What if we all snowbirded? Say Alaska was a state from April to October and a territory the rest of the year with lower drinking ages and you could ride a four wheeler in downtown Juneau during that time. Just savage the hell out in the dark. Awesome. Let's make it happen, Parnell.

This Doesn't Add Up

Somebody explain this one to me. From the August 12th KDM In The Courts section, or as I call it, "Underachievers"....

Attempted persons under 21 on licensed premises

Afanasy Reutov, 22, fined $250. On probation one year.

Last I heard if you are 21 or older you are good to go. I think this is racist because obviously looking at his name he (or she?) is Russian-American. We have a sign coming into town that says we are an INCLUSIVE community and then The Man turns around and bitch slaps you down for legally drinking. The Cold War is f-wording over, dude. Get over it. You know how many Rainiers he could have got at Tony's for that fine? 71. Plus leave a buck fifty tip. Depends who is working that shift.

And if I go back to stripping I'm using Afanasy as my new stage name. Sounds like..... A Fantasy. Or maybe I'll just pass that one on to Mechele Linehan.

New USCG Chopper?

I was blown away by a recent KMXT.org news headline by Maggie Wall reporting the Coast Guard is seeking another chopper. I guess they got Lisa MOO-COW-SKI trying to get some funding so the boys on base can add a Harley to their fleet of copters, C-130s, and yachts. Maybe our senator could have bought all the raffle tickets at the last Bikers Ball after Crab Fest and scooped up a soft tail (mmmmmmmsofttail) for a fraction of the millions she plans on wasting for a similar bike? And they can only really ride it in the summer. Is this really a good use of our tax dollars? Plus I reviewed the Harley Davidson website and they don't even make a model called a H-60. I smell a scam, dude.

The Top 36 Rejected Names for Our Blog

1. Triad Super Friends
2. Menage a trois: Drunks with Pens
3. Suck Luck Clusterblog
4. Ish, Nick, and That Chick
5. The Big Brrrkowski
6. Stevens Outhouse Gangbang In The Dark
7. Full Frontal Backwash
8. Well Seasoned Sand In Yer KoKon
9. Shit My Bartender Says
10. After-Hours House Party
11. Your Parents Warned You About Us
12. The Funniest Thing in Your Pants
13. A Strange and Belligerent Blog
14. Jackasses Say the Darndest Things
15. The Drunk Whisperer and Friends
16. Rainier Jesus and the Liver of Doom
17. Kadiak Times
18. The Baranof Enquire
19. fuadq (lol)
20. Dick Island Daily
21. Woody Island Reporter
22. Kodiak Konspirial 
23. Always Deathly Quiet or some play on the letters ADQ
24. Mother, Jugs and Speed
25. Ish My Blogger Says
26. The WhisperIsh Lush
27. Triple Header
28. DrunkTank ThinkTank
29. The Best of Three (and the first two don't count)
30. 99 Bottles of Beer in my Gut
31. Fog Blogging
32. SKÖL! Nastrovia! Salud! (Down the Hatch, bee-yatch)
33. Alaska Fisheries Report: Last Call
34. Titties 'n Beer
35. Fist-Bumping Caucasians
36. A Fisherman, Disc Jockey and a Budding Professor walk into a bar...

Best Bar in Kodiak 2011

The Baranof Enquirer (commonly known as the Kodiak Daily Mirror) yesterday posted the results of their "Best Of Kodiak" contest where idiotically they ask the public's opinion instead of going straight to me. Of course I can't vote on hair salons so perhaps that's why they got all democratic on me and schmitt but there is on area I think they should have solely directed this way: Best Bar.

Why me? Stats don't lie. 

- 18 years crawling the mall and a pace that should have but me in the grave by age 31.

- Mapped top five places to urinate in public without getting caught BEFORE Google Earth

- Co-sponsored the Boycott the Mecca campaign which is still going strong at 49 months.

- Breakers? Check. Ship's? Check. Diamond Jim's? Check. Beachcombers? Missed it by months. Damnit.

- Creator of the Drunk Bike Recycling Alternative Transportation System.

- Has never broken the Don't Date A Bartender Rule (although wanted to on several occasions).

- Did 15 different island bars on one New Years Eve....TWICE. 

- Did a radio show from the roof of Tony's Bar during Crab Festival.

- Made SuperDave a household name.

My resume is deeper than your Greek philosophy instructor at UAF. I might not be a Coyote level black belt but don't F-word with me on this subject.

Or get me off the subject which is Best Bar. The award went to Bernie's. At first I found this hard to believe but after reviewing the vitals it makes a lot of sense. A diverse crowd, cuties behind the bar (not counting Bernie, of course), PBR Tall Boys, the "naked" DVD, DJ Marc, a pool room converted from a barber shop. Shall I keep going? Friendly security. A dancing alternative to the previously mentioned alternate that I'm still picketing in my mind. Coastie chicks singing badly. OK, running out of points here.

The drawbacks are few. The beer prices are higher than average around town but the selection is decent. The men's room looks fit for state prison executions. Make a bet with someone and the loser has to take a squat in there. I dare you. And they close at 2am to avoid trouble although that was still too late on Friday I'm told. What's with all the fighting downtown this past weekend, anyway? Kodiak turned into a pay per view UFC fight in the parking lots. When Harbor Patrol is called to the back alley behind the Villagio things are getting a tad out of control. Chill out.

So although I should have been the one to choose the Best Bar in Kodiak there is a good chance I'd have come to the same conclusion although I'd be swayed by the next establishment to join the 21st century and ban smoking.

Geez, Makes Me Want To Move To Alaska

From the Alaska Ear today:

DEEP PURPLE . . . As long as we're talking about television, you might want to check out a help-wanted ad on KTVA-TV's website -- if it's still there. They're trying to entice television videographers to Anchorage:

"Imagine this professional existence -- just 15 minutes from the station you find yourself on the edge of a precipice. It's a brilliantly crisp white day. The famed Aleutian and Alaskan Range volcanoes steam on your left. Cook Inlet's massive waters lay directly in front of you, and to your right lit up by a golden setting sun, Hunter, Foraker and the Great One herself, Denali. These three Alaskan gems dominate the horizon as seen from the crotchety sourdough's backyard who you happen to be producing a story about today. His bonfire crackles. His axe is furious. Whack! What a perfectly ordinary Alaskan moment. Eighty winters have weathered his face. His flowing beard is like the snow in which he loves to labor ... A moose wanders by. And the temperature is relatively warm! 'I'm standing in the middle of a postcard from the North Pole,' you think to yourself. . ."

Wow. Volcanoes, Denali, moose, the North Pole, all visible 15 minutes from Spenard. Who wouldn't want to work there?

Read more: http://www.adn.com/2011/09/10/2060795/alaska-ear.html#ixzz1Xg9di09V

Redheads

Like moth to a flame, am I right?


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad2

Noted Fisherman Poet Spotted in ADQ

Just shook hands with Famous Kodiak Poet Dave Densmore.

Holy Shiite, Did the Mysterious Ishmael just return to blogging????

Might be the Ghost of Ishmael.

Just a reminder that Talk Like a Pirate Day is coming up

Saw a pirate lass heading into el Chicano as I was heading out tonight. Asked her if it was Talk like a Pirate Day, but she said that's on the 19th. She was dressed up for her birthday party.

Nix Pix NFL Week 1

I'm back. Took a year off picking games wrong but it just didn't feel right so once again I'm butchering my bank account with the help of the 32 team that make up the National Football League. For internet purposes I'm maintaining the same system as before: picking three games a week with the hope of going 3 for 3 about four or five times over the course of the season. So yes, I could have a losing record and still make money if I actually lived in Vegas and did this on the regular. But I don't I'm broke. I fished pinks. I'd have done better racing for pinks in my parents' PT Cruiser but whateva. In two weeks I'll be in Seatown fishing for a sugar mama. 

Pittsburgh +1.5 at Baltimore

I could have gone easy and skipped this game. OK, I couldn't go easy, they are all hard to pick this week but the Steelers owe me. You see the last time I wagered on a game was at the ratty arse Gold Coast in Lost Wages, NV when they gave me three points where the other casinos we holding at 2.5 vs The Pack in XLV. I figured the league was rigged in their favor having seen them luck by the Seahawks and Cardinals in recent Super Bowl history and the rapist would get another ring for his sticky fingers. Best $100 I ever lost. But they still owe me. This game should come down to the wire against The Wire but the forces of DWTS are with the black and yellow. 

Nick's Pick: See VIDEO

Cincinnati @ Cleveland -6.5

Is it a coincidence that the new Kodiak Police Department is the same colors as the Cincinnati Bengals? Hells no. If TC named the new jail the Cedric Benson Lounge I wouldn't even blink. I'm not sure why KPD's still fresh headquarters has a megablast of orange in the design. Perhaps to make the coasties tossed in the drunk tank feel more at home? I think so. Of course the Browns sport the same shade of citrus but Holmgren's Bitches don't carry the same legal system baggage. And with Carson "Missing Daily" Palmer "retired" I really don't think Sin Sin stands a chance. Side note: I almost always pick this match-up for Week One and get it wrong.

Nick's Pick: Browns

Dallas @ NY Jets -5.5

Usually I wait until my season record is something like 9-23 before I start going against who I think will win but why wait? With the radar off 'Merica Team for once I think they actually could have a ten win season. I apologize to my family for saying anything good about Dallas. I wasn't raised that way. Anyway, I like the Boyz in this game so I'm taking Rex Grossestman and his New Jersey Jets. GQB Mark Sanchez better not make me wrong about being wrong but probably will.


Nick's Pick: J-E-T-S